Reigniting My Spark
I know it’s common sense that internal motivation is far stronger than any external force, which can fade just as easily as it appears. But for me, nurturing and sustaining that kind of motivation isn’t as simple as flipping a switch. It feels like trying to lift a mountain with my pinky finger.
That’s not just an exaggeration — it’s exactly how I feel. Searching for internal motivation, then trying to hold onto it for more than a fleeting moment, can be maddening. At times, it feels nearly impossible. I hate to admit it, but I often give up too easily in difficult situations. Right now, more than anything, I want to reignite the passion I once had.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when or where it started slipping away. It crept in so slowly that I didn’t even notice my own ‘off’ behavior. And yet, I kept denying it for years, allowing my hesitation to snowball into regret.
In many ways, I feel like I’m still stuck in the past — three years ago, to be exact. But recently, I’ve begun accepting that I can’t fully restore the old version of myself. The person who took initiative without hesitation, who brought joy to every space she entered, who responded to challenges with sharp clarity and confidence, who faced every difficulty head-on, unafraid of communication.
But instead of chasing an old shadow, I’m learning to embrace something new. Slowly but surely, I am growing into the newest version of myself — a version that carries fragments of my past strengths, now intertwined with fresh perspectives. And with that, hope has started to return. I feel like I’m stepping back into a life filled with color. The black and white of my past struggles are fading, replaced by vibrant hues of possibility.
More than anything, I have a goal again. My eyes are open and I can clearly see what I’m striving toward. That clarity gives me strength — to keep going, to resist the urge to stop when things get hard. And even if another storm comes crashing into my life, at least now, I know how to stand up faster than before.